We can own lots of stuff: cars, houses, fine jewelry, pets, nice clothes, etc. Per the Miriam-Webster online dictionary the word “own” can be an adjective, a verb, or even a pronoun. I didn’t realize that. We can even own things such as intellectual property and ideas (think: copyrights for written works, for example). I find the idea of “owning” to be an interesting one and realized that fact this week when talking with a friend. She and I have had similar life experiences. We’re also both strong , independent, and highly motivated women. I’m happy to have this new friend in my life because I think there are places to go and things to do that when done together will yield greater results than if either of us attempted these things alone.
What struck me during the conversation is that there is another type of “owning”. This particular “owning” is very detrimental to us, especially to us women.
For instance, we will “own” another’s opinion of ourselves even if the opinionated individual hasn’t a clue about who we are and even if that other person has never walked in our shoes and lived our experiences.
Let me explain. When a negative judgment is spoken over us by a friend, an abusive partner, a coworker, or even a stranger our tendency is to focus on this judgment to the exclusion of everything else. Suppose someone we love tells us that we will never amount to anything and that no one will ever want or love us (this actually happens every day to many people).
When these negative and hurtful words are spoken over us by someone who really doesn’t care about us, we have a tendency to “own” or take on us as truth, this negative statement or opinion. We “own” the idea that has been declared over us that we are stupid, dumb, ugly, fat, or whatever.
Oftentimes, the negative declarations or hurtful words even come forth out of our own mouths! We plant the very seeds of negativity in our psyche only to harvest the results later. We even “own” what comes out of our own mouths. We’ve all done this. We look in the mirror and instead of seeing ourselves as beautiful, we tell ourselves that we are ugly in some way. We therefore “own” our very negative self-statements.
Unfortunately, “owning” a declaration like this slowly permeates and gradually erodes our sense of self-worth, our self-esteem, and our self-confidence. No matter how strongly independent we are somewhere down the road we come to realize that we are no longer how we used to be (strong, independent, pretty, smart, etc.).
We awake one day an emotional and mental wreck and we wonder what happened. We don’t realize that non-physical abuse happens in very small increments and we don’t see this until we look up from the valley of the shadow of negative declarations.
We don’t have to “own” other people’s garbage. We don’t have to “own” another’s opinion of ourselves. We can just hear what they say and then discard it before it sets up residence in our thoughts. We can shrug it off, smile and walk away knowing that when someone attempts to cause you to feel bad about yourself that person usually is trying to make herself (or himself) feel better about their own perceived shortcomings.
You, and you alone, “own” your thoughts. You can choose to own only the positive things about yourself. We have a choice—we “own” the right to choose. Therefore, “own” cautiously.
Peace.
