Here I sit again. Up late. Can't sleep. I think it's a side effect of the meds I've taken for this pneumonia.
I like to be up late--alone to think. I've cleaned some. I've decorated for Christmas some. Mostly, I've just thought about things. In my solitude I reflect on the many changes in my life over the last two years.
Before I met my husband I lived with a dear girlfriend. I probably lived there longer than my welcome lasted but we got along well. We laughed and talked alot about things that made us anxious. And we made midnight runs to the McDonald's drive through in our pajamas laughing at ourselves the whole time.
Curiously, because it was not really my home in the sense that I could do as I pleased as far as decorating, etc., I never felt like an insider. I felt like an outsider watching through a window at the holiday merriment of my friend's family.
That was in the fall of 2008. Fast forward to now and the past two years have been remarkable. I met a good hearted man who is always in good humor (well, mostly~grins~) and we get along very well. I think it is because we both came from places in our lives where we were really lonely and had reached a point where we could truly appreciate each other.
We married in May of 2009 amid the blessings of our children and family. He has provided me not only love but a feeling of being safe in the world that I hadn't felt in many, many years. I was blessed by God who answered my prayers for just such a man.
In the two years since he and I met I accomplished a huge goal I'd set for myself: to complete my Master's in Rehab Counseling before I turned 50. I reached that goal with 6 months to spare. It wasn't easy at all. In fact, it was the second hardest thing I've ever set out to do. The first hardest thing I cannot yet talk about because I still harbor some bitterness and hurt over it. I'm working on releasing all that, but it's not easy.
I now have my own home with him. I can decorate to my heart's content. I won't claim to be good at it but I try. The inner kid in me comes out and I decorate with red everywhere and then sit back and watch the lights twinkle. For too many years I never felt I had a Christmas. Because of that "first hardest thing" I experienced, for years I didn't have the joy in me to celebrate Christmas because Christmas was firmly twisted up in all that "first hardest thing".
Now I do experience the Christmas joy. Two weeks before Thanksgiving this year I dragged out two Christmas trees and put them up and decorated them simply because I could! It is so joyous to me now even if it is overshadowed at times by the memories of the "first hardest thing".
So much has changed for me in two years. I've had friendships rupture and these will probably never see repair. I got to really learn about other people I was only casually acquainted with only to realize they weren't for me. We had competing and strong ideas about things so I left. But, I am still amazed at what they've accomplished.
Things that used to "be" my life are no longer as important to me as they once were. And now when I read or hear of these things I no longer feel anger, bitterness or envy. I only feel mildly congratulatory for those people to whom these good things happen.
I am now setting goals for things I want to accomplish in my life in the next six months which will lead me into an entire new career outside of counseling. It will be the fulfillment of dreams I've always had yet never thought would come to fruition. Much of this will happen because of the loving and wise support I get from my husband.
On my new journey I will take one or two friends with me because they also have the dream. On the surface it might seem that these friends and I have nothing in common but underneath the surface is true enjoyment of these friends and a strong kinship because we believe in the same things. Thus, we'll travel this road together.
Of the two (maybe three~wink~) I am the older one at 50. I have no embarrassment at admitting my age. I feel fortunate I'm still here. I think I can show that getting older doesn't have to mean getting dowdier or sacrificing dreams because "it just isn't done" at my age. Who made that a rule anyway?!
Those who know me best know that I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer--following my whims and curiosity into areas others have feared to trod. Sometimes I got in trouble, sometimes I didn't. The trouble was the fun part, the part that made me who I am now.
I've always heard that however we are, characteristically, when we are younger is how we will be when we are older--I certainly hope that is true because I have fun. I enjoy the belief in possibilities. I truly believe, given common sense, of course, that there isn't anything I can't do if I so wish and am willing to commit to it. That is why I know that this next chapter in my life will be a success. I am willing to sacrifice to make my dreams come alive where many are not willing.
I look forward to the future with childlike excitement and mild trepidation and I have reached the point where I can look back at my past and say goodbye to some things.
I'm still working, though, on saying goodbye to that "first hardest thing". I'll get it done. I know I will. After all, at my high school graduation decades ago I was the recipient of the "I Dare You" award. I've long since forgotten the meaning of the award but I still carry within me a great spirit of daring!
Merry Christmas!
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