Christmas Time: 2010

Here I sit again. Up late. Can't sleep. I think it's a side effect of the meds I've taken for this pneumonia.

I like to be up late--alone to think. I've cleaned some. I've decorated for Christmas some. Mostly, I've just thought about things. In my solitude I reflect on the many changes in my life over the last two years.

Before I met my husband I lived with a dear girlfriend. I probably lived there longer than my welcome lasted but we got along well. We laughed and talked alot about things that made us anxious. And we made midnight runs to the McDonald's drive through in our pajamas laughing at ourselves the whole time.


Curiously, because it was not really my home in the sense that I could do as I pleased as far as decorating, etc., I never felt like an insider. I felt like an outsider watching through a window at the holiday merriment of my friend's family.

That was in the fall of 2008. Fast forward to now and the past two years have been remarkable. I met a good hearted man who is always in good humor (well, mostly~grins~) and we get along very well. I think it is because we both came from places in our lives where we were really lonely and had reached a point where we could truly appreciate each other.

We married in May of 2009 amid the blessings of our children and family. He has provided me not only love but a feeling of being safe in the world that I hadn't felt in many, many years. I was blessed by God who answered my prayers for just such a man.

In the two years since he and I met I accomplished a huge goal I'd set for myself: to complete my Master's in Rehab Counseling before I turned 50. I reached that goal with 6 months to spare. It wasn't easy at all. In fact, it was the second hardest thing I've ever set out to do. The first hardest thing I cannot yet talk about because I still harbor some bitterness and hurt over it. I'm working on releasing all that, but it's not easy.

I now have my own home with him. I can decorate to my heart's content. I won't claim to be good at it but I try. The inner kid in me comes out and I decorate with red everywhere and then sit back and watch the lights twinkle. For too many years I never felt I had a Christmas. Because of that "first hardest thing" I experienced, for years I didn't have the joy in me to celebrate Christmas because Christmas was firmly twisted up in all that "first hardest thing".

Now I do experience the Christmas joy. Two weeks before Thanksgiving this year I dragged out two Christmas trees and put them up and decorated them simply because I could! It is so joyous to me now even if it is overshadowed at times by the memories of the "first hardest thing".

So much has changed for me in two years. I've had friendships rupture and these will probably never see repair. I got to really learn about other people I was only casually acquainted with only to realize they weren't for me. We had competing and strong ideas about things so I left. But, I am still amazed at what they've accomplished.

Things that used to "be" my life are no longer as important to me as they once were. And now when I read or hear of these things I no longer feel anger, bitterness or envy. I only feel mildly congratulatory for those people to whom these good things happen.

I am now setting goals for things I want to accomplish in my life in the next six months which will lead me into an entire new career outside of counseling. It will be the fulfillment of dreams I've always had yet never thought would come to fruition. Much of this will happen because of the loving and wise support I get from my husband.

On my new journey I will take one or two friends with me because they also have the dream. On the surface it might seem that these friends and I have nothing in common but underneath the surface is true enjoyment of these friends and a strong kinship because we believe in the same things. Thus, we'll travel this road together.

Of the two (maybe three~wink~) I am the older one at 50. I have no embarrassment at admitting my age. I feel fortunate I'm still here. I think I can show that getting older doesn't have to mean getting dowdier or sacrificing dreams because "it just isn't done" at my age. Who made that a rule anyway?!


Those who know me best know that I have always marched to the beat of a different drummer--following my whims and curiosity into areas others have feared to trod. Sometimes I got in trouble, sometimes I didn't. The trouble was the fun part, the part that made me who I am now.

I've always heard that however we are, characteristically, when we are younger is how we will be when we are older--I certainly hope that is true because I have fun. I enjoy the belief in possibilities. I truly believe, given common sense, of course, that there isn't anything I can't do if I so wish and am willing to commit to it. That is why I know that this next chapter in my life will be a success. I am willing to sacrifice to make my dreams come alive where many are not willing.

I look forward to the future with childlike excitement and mild trepidation and I have reached the point where I can look back at my past and say goodbye to some things.

I'm still working, though, on saying goodbye to that "first hardest thing". I'll get it done. I know I will. After all, at my high school graduation decades ago I was the recipient of the "I Dare You" award. I've long since forgotten the meaning of the award but I still carry within me a great spirit of daring!

Merry Christmas!

Listen: it's important

March 11, 2008
--from my diary--

Here I sit. In the ICU waiting room in a hospital in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. I am pretty sure most ICU waiting rooms are the same--uncomfortable and too cold. We're strangers all -- and we are bonding through small talk as we privately worry and feel uncertainty over a loved one's progress and prognosis.

I am surrounded now by a room full of people I don't know and many I know only casually. Most of these people are much older than I, yet we are all united by our love of dear Irene, who is the one I sit vigil for along with these people I don't know that well.

Irene is now on life support and the prognosis is grim. She looks so pitiful hooked up to the ventilators and IV lines. she is swelling and not responsive to stimuli. We try to reassure each other but we know she won't make it.

What really saddens me is that Irene is one of my mom's best friends. In the past, when I would visit mom it seemed Irene was always there. She was just so happy to be with my mom. I love Irene.

Now, as she is at death's threshold, I recall many times when she would talk to me and I would only half listen. I wouldn't give her my full attention--not wanting to get too involved because I was selfishly wrapped up in my own private dramas.

As I drove to the hospital today I thought how similar this failure to listen I've been guilty of before. When I lived with my mom's parents years ago, many times I stayed up late to watch tv. My grandpa would be sitting at his desk playing solitaire with his well worn deck of cards. He would talk to me but I was selfish with him also. I would only half listen and when he died the only thing I really remembered him talking about was how great he thought "The Grapes of Wrath" was. My grandpa was in his later years a man of wisdom and patience. He was also intelligent, especially about people and their motives.

I now share this journal entry with whomever reads this to stress how important it is to take the time to REALLY LISTEN to people, especially those we care about and love.

Life is fragile. We may awake one day expecting to go about our life as usual then in a split second our regular, mundane world is turned upside down, either through an accident or through death. The fact that our world can change in an instant underscores the reality of life's fragility. We may go to sleep with all our loved ones safe only to awake with one of them gone forever.

We should not let complacency and selfishness have sufficient power over us such that we neglect to show our love for others by withholding from them our attention. Our FULL attention. Listening is a selfless gift.

I regret that I failed to listen, really listen to my grandpa or Irene. It's too late now. I will never know what richness of experience I would have vicariously gained from them as words only half heard are words not really remembered.

Next time you are with someone who is talking to you, focus on them. Give them your full and undivided attention. Let them know you care by really hearing what they are saying. Listening for only a brief time will save you much regret if they are suddenly taken from you.

BURLESQUE-NEW ORLEANS--edited post

On Sat. evening, Sept. 18, my husband and I went to New Orleans to see the competition at the 2^nd Annual New Orleans Burlesque Festival where judges determined who would be crowned “Queen of Burlesque”.

Years and years ago (too many to count) I made a brief visit to Paris, France. I was supposed to go with friends to see the Follies Bergere, but because it was sold out we ended up at a cabaret show. I was a naive young 20 year old from Mississippi, but, nevertheless, I wasn’t shocked or turned off by watching the show. I’ve always been an open minded person—even back then!

Therefore, seeing the N.O. Burlesque show was fun. I wasn't embarrassed at all. If anything, I envied those women who had the courage to do this. For some reason I expected that the ladies in the show would all be young and have perfect bodies. I was pleasantly surprised to find this wasn’t so!

I loved the show—even the raunchiness of the emcee. I was glad that my favorite entertainer won-- Coco Lektra from Texas. She did an outstanding number dressed in red. There was a live jazz band to play for all the performers. What I really liked about Coco was her beautiful smile and her expression that conveyed how much fun she was having. I like the other contestants also--one used a giant swing to show us her acrobatic talents and another used a giant couch to entertain us with a very seductive routine. What really came across with all the ladies was that they had worked hard to get to this point in their careers.

I was glad to see that women who are older can still “wow” an audience. Some of the performers were no "spring chickens" as my granny used to say! Yet, they all managed to hold my attention and they all performed beautifully. (A "spring chicken" to me is someone younger than 25!)

Even though none of the dancers had perfect bodies, what struck me as the MOST sexy and seductive of all was the CONFIDENCE they each exuded. I realized that what some men have told me before is true: women who portray confidence, while not heart-stoppers in looks, are hot! They carry themselves upright with their shoulders back and heads held high as if to say “look at me, I have it!”

Another aspect of burlesque I love is the glamor. The lovely gowns and costumes, the high heels, the makeup and other adornment were splendid. I was reminded of the lovely gowns from the movie "Gone With the Wind". They also brought to mind how women used to get dolled up in dresses, stockings, high heels, gloves and hats even if they were going to have lunch with their friends.

As women, we have the option of utilizing these things to our utmost advantage. We are fortunate that we have a vast array of things to help us feel beautiful. And when we feel beautiful, we have confidence. When we have confidence, we turn heads!

Sadly, however, too many of us don’t fully utilize all the tools we have available to us! We opt for no makeup, ponytails, and jeans instead because it’s easy and comfortable. I'm at fault here also in this regard. But, it seems to me we’ve lost some of the feminine mystique in exchange for that comfort. While I am all for feeling comfortable I long for the days when, as women, we embraced a little more glamor in our everyday lives! Perhaps that is why burlesque appeals to me. It gives us that glamor!

Thoughts?

BURLESQUE-NEW ORLEANS

On Sat. evening, Sept. 18, my husband and I went to New Orleans to see the competition at the 2^nd Annual New Orleans Burlesque Festival to determine who would be crowned “Queen of Burlesque”.

Years and years ago (too many to count) I made a brief visit to Paris, France. I was supposed to go with friends to see the Follies Bergere but because it was sold out we ended up at a cabaret show. I was a naive young 20 year old from Mississippi, but, nevertheless, I wasn’t shocked or turned off by watching the show. I’ve always been an open minded person—even back then!

Therefore, seeing the N.O. Burlesque show was fun. For some reason I expected that the ladies in the show would all be young and have perfect bodies. I was pleasantly surprised to find this wasn’t so!

I loved the show—even the raunchiness of the emcee. I was glad that my favorite entertainer won-- Coco Lektra from Texas. She did an outstanding number dressed in red. There was a live jazz band to play for all the performers.

Some of the performers (there were nine) were no spring chickens (to me, that’s less than 30 years old) and I was glad to see that women who are older can still “wow” an audience.

Even though none of the dancers had perfect bodies what struck me as the MOST sexy and seductive of all was the CONFIDENCE they exuded. I realized that what some men have told me before is true: women who portray confidence, while not heart-stoppers in looks, are hot. They carry themselves upright with their shoulders back and heads held high as if to say “look at me, I have it!”

Another aspect of burlesque I love is the glamour. The lovely gowns and costumes, the high heels, the makeup and other adornment were splendid. Women have the option of utilizing these things to our utmost advantage. Sadly, however, too many of us don’t. We opt for no makeup, ponytails, and jeans instead because it’s easy and comfy. But, it seems to me we’ve lost some of the feminine mystique.

Thoughts?

THE BATTLE

I have a very powerful inner voice of self-doubt and an oppressive self-limiting mindset. Surprising, right? Even when I don’t think I hear it, The Voice yells and screams at me “who do you think you are to believe that anyone would be interested in reading anything you have to write? Huh? Answer me!?” See what I mean? That’s a nasty little voice.

I’ve always wanted to write—something funny, something seductive, or something about my life’s experiences. I’ve had people tell me “you should write!” or “you write so well”. But then I hear The Voice say, “who’d be interested?”

Humph!

My problem, other than self-negating, self-limiting thoughts is that I don’t feel I know anything. I’ve always heard that one should write about what one knows. But, what do I know? I don’t know what I know. (Yes, maybe my mind has taken a holiday).

I haven’t traveled much, so I can’t write about other cultures or exotic places. I hated history (I could never get the historical timeline to stay in my brain), so I can’t write historical novels.

To me, I have lived a somewhat boring life. Yes, I have. Despite what others tell me.

One friend told me I should write about my life’s experiences because I’ve had a few doozies (borrowing a word from my deceased grandma). Actually, I’ve had what are more aptly described as serious lapses in judgment throughout the years. I wouldn’t call those interesting at all. Embarrassing? Yes. Interesting? No.

So, what do I know? What have I experienced? Like everyone, I’ve known pain. Pain of loss, pain of rejection, and pain of humiliation.

I’ve also known great joy as well as extreme spiritual tranquility peppered with times of great spiritual doubt in the existence of God (hey, He made me…he knows I go through this).

I’ve also known extreme anger and serious rage…that “shadow self” that Carl Jung talked about (we all have The Shadow—some of us just never know how “dark” that shadow is). The rage I speak of is the kind where you fantasize about how good it might feel to choke the life out of someone who has made your life a living hell. Hum, maybe I should write about this? Write a nice fiction novel about murder and mayhem?

I’m not sure about all this. I’m sure that if I don’t release my inner creative lady (let’s call her “Prissy”) she’ll wither and die before ever living. I’m just not sure what to do with for her. I welcome any suggestions.

I’m trying to bring Prissy to the forefront of my life. How I’ll accomplish that I don’t yet know as I believe she is in a battle with the The Voice. Perhaps this battle will take on the nuances of so many fairy tales where the lady in distress is rescued by the guy on the white horse. No, I don’t see this happening either. Why? Because the only other character in this tale is The Shadow. And The Shadow is downright scary. The Shadow epitomizes all that’s within us that we may never wish to face.

Nevertheless, despite this battle going on, I will let you know who becomes The Victor.

My vote is on Prissy.

THIS PAST WEEKEND

We didn't go out of town. The kids (well, all but my daughter, Jayme) and grandkids came to our house. We had fun just playing in the pool and hangin' out. Sat. night the guys grilled dinner. They did a great job, the food was YUM!

Today back to work. There was a drug court graduation and that is always interesting.

Then it was off to the doctor who advised me the reason my eyelids are swelling is because of a viral infection...yuck!

In a couple of weeks I'll go to Bham to meet my daughter for the wedding dress fitting--it will need altering. My mom (hopefully) will get to go, too. It's hard to believe my baby girl is getting married.

The pic above is of Ralph with Abbi (on left) and Brayden (on right) in our pool.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation),

there is one elementary truth,

the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans:

that the moment one definitely commits oneself,

then Providence moves, too.

All sorts of things occur to help one that would never

otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,

raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents

and meetings and material assistance,

which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.

Begin it now.

By Goethe

THE BEACH

Last Thursday evening Ralph & I went to Gulf Shores and stayed until Sunday, June 20. It's always nice to get away from home and all the chores that can keep you up and moving when you think about them.

I read A LOT and Ralph rested a lot. We didn't take the boat out, however, cause we didn't know which boat landings were open. Most in Gulf Shores were closed. We didn't really see any oil or "tar" balls either. But, another set of friends stopped by Sat. night and, as the wife is a beach wedding planner, she said that when she got into the water to cool off she had a film of oil on her.

We visited the Hot Air Balloon Festival with some friends and that was a bust. We saw no balloons as we weren't there at the right time.It was hot! And a lot of the vendors sold the same inventory. After the festival, we went with our friends, Rex and Brenda, and ate at Wintzell's then we went to the beach to see how it looked. It looked pretty good.

When we returned home yesterday, though, we both got in the pool and that was nice.

Farewell to Bellydance

I recently retired from bellydance. I became burned out. I'd been involved with it since 1998. I met some great women (and men) in bellydance. But, it was time for a change. Even so, any great change or loss in our lives does bring some grieving and sadness. In time, I know this will change.

Despite the sadness, however, I feel freedom in letting go of something that for years I held on to even when I realized I was becoming more and more tired and that the joy of dancing was ebbing. While I do feel "free" I do regret letting go to the extent that I won't be as involved with the lives of some of the women I was teaching as before. That part makes me sad.

I've had some great hobbies in the past that I was very passionate about at different times in my personal growth: once it was music (I played flute), then getting my college undergrad degree, then bellydance, and finishing my master's.


But now it's on to something else. For years I told myself, "If I ever quit bellydance I'll . . .". My list looks something like this:

"Things I've Always Wanted to Do"
1. Develop my drawing abilities.
2. Learn to sew.
3. Return to musical endeavors (flute)?
4. Learn to hula hoop for big people!
5. Learn to rollerblade
6. Develop my writing abilities.
7. Work on becoming a personal trainer for women in their midlife.
8. Sky dive (at least once before I'm 60...I have a while for this one!)

So, while I'll remain active physically, I may devote a few years to some of the above. I'm sure out of this list, or maybe even from something totally unrelated, I'll find my next passion.

In the meantime, I'm just gonna rest a while.....yeah, right!

A NEW experience!

For those who know me you won't be surprised to hear me say that I'll try MOST things at least once. I do have my own bucket list which includes things such as: sky-diving; para-sailing (thanks to BP that may be a while); hula hooping for grown ups; and pole fitness classes, etc.

Last night I and a friend, Danielle D., had our very first pole fitness class at Detour Studios on Old Shell Road. Again, those who really know me aren't surprised at this tidbit because I'm into the whole "creative expression" type of activities...I mean, I DO teach bellydance! lol! That in itself is not the "norm" for a lotta women around my age. I've always wanted to learn some pole techniques because I've heard it is GREAT for FITNESS. And, as you all know, I like to workout and I like being fit.

When we arrived at the studio last night we were both a little nervous--not sure what to expect. I somehow had this notion that we'd be the only novices in the class and I was SURE I'd be the oldest....BUT THAT WASN'T THE CASE!

All 11 women in the class were there for their first time (with one or two exceptions). And I being the big "5-0" was pleasantly surprised to find that there were a few women much older than me and, of course, a few that were the same age or younger. Once in the class we just all had fun encouraging each other and cheering each other on!

We all learned a very short routine which included some pretty strenuous spins around the pole...well, strenuous for "me". lol! My bellydance training helped a lot with the choreography of the steps--my biggest issue was "letting go" enough to allow myself to just "swing" around the pole while lifting my legs off the floor in some pretty poses!

Our instructor was really good (Azur) and she was really patient with us. Detour provided a warm, welcoming atmosphere for us to let loose, have fun, and learn something daring!

Is it a good workout?? Heck, yeah!!! I'm so sore today I can barely move...but I plan to do it again! lol!

Would I recommend you doing it...WELL, YEAH! You'll love it. Maybe Danielle and I will see you there!

Because I was behind a young woman the other day and noticed that not only were her pants TOO tight but that she was wearing bikini underwear (you could tell!) I thought I'd repost this blog from last October when I was butt watching at the ACE Hardware Show in Atlanta. Two of my coworkers were with me behind this woman the other day and one remarked that "no matter how many times you blink, it's still there." lol! We should ALL look at the rear view before going out and about. Ya think?!

PANTS TOO TIGHT!

Because I was behind a young woman the other day and noticed that not only were her pants TOO tight but that she was wearing bikini underwear (you could tell!) I thought I'd repost this blog from last October when I was butt watching at the ACE Hardware Show in Atlanta. Two of my coworkers were with me behind this woman the other day and one remarked that "no matter how many times you blink, it's still there." lol! We should ALL look at the rear view before going out and about. Ya think?!

HARDWARE & BUTTS

OK, so while at the ACE Hardware show in Atlanta I got really tired of all that walking so I planted myself on a bench and just watched people go by. I came to the conclusion that few people leave their homes (or hotel rooms) before checking their "rear view" in the mirror.

Here's what I decided:

1. NO one looks good in polyester pants that are too big and require a belt to hold them up which ends up making the pants "bunch" at the waist creating "balloon butt" in the back.

2. It should be OUTLAWED for any woman to EVER, repeat EVER, wear light colored stretch pants without a very long top...why? In two words, "scary CELLULITE"! All those bumps are positively...well...ewwww!

3. Wearing tight pants of ANY kind should be against ALL rules if a woman isn't wearing a LONG top and isn't wearing a thong. Panty lines make an already ample butt look like it's divided, not into two parts, BUT INTO FOUR parts! This is NOT pretty.

(still shakin' my head on this one...)

I guess you all can tell I had a little too much time on my hands at this hardware show...lol! But, puhlease...

....before you leave the house CHECK YOUR REVIEW!

INSPIRED by Angie!
(her pic is to the right)

For a few years I've been an avid reader of workout magazines such as "Oxygen" and "Muscle & Fitness HERS" and I've also been a gym goer--doing cardio AND weights. BUT, I never really addressed the issue of EATING--which is about 80-90% of HOW we look. Yep, it's true--you ARE what you EAT!

Thankfully, a friend in Tennessee, Angie, inspired me to take that extra step and get my EATING under control (her blog, by the way, is: www.sewmuchtosew.blogspot.com).

Angie got on the working out/clean eating kick and posted her routine, etc. So, because I'm a little bit lazy I just decided to follow her plan. Yes, it includes things like PROTEIN shakes and supplements.

Of course, since starting I have had a couple of days where I slipped, but I just got right back on track. I've started taking CLA and something called Cordygen5. Here's what I've notice: I HAVE MORE ENERGY and MORE STAMINA at the gym. I feel good! And I also feel good that I'm improving myself--cause no one else will do it for me! lol!

This is important because rather than going to the gym and working on the elliptical for 40-45 minutes at a steady, modest pace I'm NOW getting on the machine and doing INTERVALS.

This means I warm up for about 5 minutes, then I hit my moderate pace for 2 minutes, THEN for one LONG minute I go as fast as I can! I alternate this fast/slow for about 30 minutes with a 5 minute cool down. It's rough--but I make myself do it. And ya know what? I can already tell a difference. Research has recently back up the assertion that cardio interval training burns more calories. (See, for one example, "Oxygen", June 2010 issue, page 86).

Also, I'm really hitting the weights more regularly and with greater intensity. This is important, especially for women, because as we age we lose not only muscle mass but also bone mass. And weight training has been shown to help with both. Plus, working out with weights means that your metabolism kicks up a notch and burns more calories while you are resting. A nice benefit!

I'm keeping track of my measurements and weight so I'll keep you all posted on my progress.

I have two gym memberships: one at Omni and one at Planet Fitness. If you ever want to work out let me know!

MOTIVATION!

A big word that expresses a concept which I momentarily LACK. I feel I am constantly looking in the mirror and NOT liking what I see. It's not so much that I believe I need to lose about 15 lbs, it's all the other little things, too.

Like, WHY is it that at a certain age women start growing facial hair!? And, what about hair that grows now in other places you never thought you had hair follicles! lol! Then, there's all the places where you SHOULD have hair and one day you realize it isn't there anymore.

Let's not forget either all those facial lines that somehow sneak up on you while you are asleep and "jump on your face" to remain there well into your day. No matter what filler cream you use. lol!

I am motivated to exercise---I've recently changed from doing cardio and weights on the same day and instead one day I work with weights and one day I do 45 minutes of cardio--that seems to work much better because I don't feel rushed and I am not as worn out the next day.

I still belly dance. Some might think I'm beyond my expiration date, but I'm still going strong. Not sure why I can't just "quit" belly dance--it's almost like a strong craving for chocolate when your hormones dip---no matter how you don't want to eat it, you do. That's what belly dance is like...lol! Sure, it's GREAT exercise and helps with flexibility--not to mention the self-esteem boost you get when you gain control over muscles you never found in the gym, but when the belly dance bug bites the "disease" is incurable. lol!

My lack of motivation is that I seem to be able to do one thing at a time--like exercise--but have trouble staying on track with my "relationship to food". Do you have that issue, too? I read the blog of a friend in Tennessee this week (www.sewmuchtosew.blogspot.com)....she's recently hired a trainer and is eating "clean"--meaning lots of protein, low carbs, low fat and she's doing really well. I'm waiting to read her blog (to come soon) on her progress. I think this could be the motivator I need--someone I know who IS accomplishing this.

So, sigh, that's my motivation story. I welcome any comments on this. Also, if you have any advice on how to handle those nasty surprises first thing in the morning when you look in a mirror, PLEASE let me know! lol! I already don't wear my glasses at that time so that hasn't worked. I don't want to look 25 again...that's totally unrealistic. I just want to look like a dang good 50 year old!

OH, on that note, I did something I've never done....on www.more.com a magazine for "mature" women (the over Cosmo crowd) I entered their "model" contest...NOT because I'm model material, but because despite all the above I feel pretty good about myself and where I've landed at this point in my life and I knew that if I didn't do it, I'd regret it. I don't expect to win, but I've connected with other women there who deal with some of the issues I now confront. If you go to that site you can search on Cheryl Paul and find my essay...it's only 150 words. I've NEVER done anything like that...well..not really. I did enter the Green Co. Jr. Miss pageant in high school and was 2nd runner up--I think it is because I winked at the judges...lol!

Anyway-I just thought I'd share my "growing older" angst....I've heard it can be therapeutic.

Just send me your bill! lmao!!!